Fall

It's been a while since I've blogged..I've just been busy with school starting back up..One preschooler, one fifth grader and a sophmore.. wow!

Time has been flying by and before I know it, another week has gone by. My sister and I joined a Mother's loss support group through Hospice. It has been amazing. Last night was our last night and I woke up today feeling alive for the first time in months. I feel like I've been faking my way thru life since March 16th.

I've learned a lot in this class. Like letting myself feel however I feel, without feeling like I'm crazy. I am really bad about putting up front and acting like I am fine, but I realize now that it's ok to NOT be ok. I've learned that I need to take care of myself, especially during the upcoming holiday season..I can't be everything to everyone..

I've also realized that I am not crazy when I am brought to tears in the middle of the store when I see something or hear a song that reminds me of my mom..and it was ok to break down and cry in the middle of the music rental store when the lady whited out my mom' s name on our cello rental form.

I can't promise I won't be back at square one tomorrow....

But today, Thursday November 10th..I feel alive, happy and hopeful.

Tears

I am coming on 12 weeks since my mom has been gone..

Some days I feel ok..others, others I just don't want to get out of bed.

There are just feelings you never know exist until you are faced with them.

Grief.. grief is horrible....

Everytime I think of my mom, and realize she is gone, I get this panic feeling in my chest,

the feeling of losing something significant,

the feeling that nothing will ever be the same,

the loss of security,

the feeling that it will most likely be a very long time until you see this person again.

The feeling of sadness is so overwhelming sometimes.

It is truly my kids that keep me going. I have no choice but to get out of bed, take care of my kids, try to be there for them emotionally, physically and spiritually.

All the while I am trying to take care of myself too... I am trying to accept the fact that someone intertwined with my daily life is gone..

Mom is a person that makes you feel secure, special, loved, wanted, treasured, see's your full potential...

I am really, really trying to feel better.

For my kids, for my husband, but mostly for me.

I am trying to focus on the my memories, the things my mom taught me,

the knowledge that I will see her again.

Missing

I've decided that missing someone is quite possibly the worst feeling there is.

It's been 8 weeks since my mom passed and I miss her so much.

I miss the smell of her China Musk perfume.. she's worn it since I was little.

I miss the 10am and 9:30 pm calls from her, just to see how things were going.. and often calls in between.

I miss our uncanny way of calling eachother at exactly the same time.

I miss spontaneous lunch dates at Flancer's.

I miss our late night movies.

I miss seeing her name on caller id.

I miss her asking about the kids.

I miss her car in front of my house and the dog going hog wild when she would walk up the front steps.

I miss her little jean hat.

I miss her reassurance that things would be ok.

I miss her hugs.

I miss her silent strength during her fight with cancer.

I just miss everything!

Thankful

What I am thankful for:

I am thankful that I was able to be there when my mom passed.

I am thankful that our family is close.

I am thankful for the 2 years after my mom's diagnosis to spend with her.. late night movies, diners, visiting, laughing..

I am thankful for my kids that have kept me going.

I am thankful to my husband for being so understanding.

I am thankful to my wonderful friends that have carried me through this.

I am thankful for Jesus..because I know I will get to see her again..

I am thankful for Easter.. for he is risen!

Mom

March 16,2011 is a day that I will never forget.

My beloved mother passed away...

Although we all knew my mom had breast/liver/bone cancer, the finality of that day still seems so surreal. She was rediagnosed 2 years and 3 months ago..scarred then, we all rallied together and made the most of the time my mom had. We had a spectacular 55th birthday party for her, a family trip to San Diego and lots of dinners and movies together. Things were going good.. chemo was working, good dr. reports...We all put the thought of cancer to the back of our minds.. her engergy level had decreased but over all she was feeling pretty good.

This last Christmas I could tell she was more tired.. After 2 years of chemo.. the dr. had let her have a month off of chemo.. there were no signs of liver lesions..then in Feb. her PET scan showed some liver activity. SHe was tired..very little energy and not much of an appetite. He started her on a new drug..she had 2 rounds.. Early March her blood work showed that her liver function numbers were 2-3 times what they should be.. we were all very worried but she still wanted to go on her coveted "girls' trip" to San Diego. I talked to her after she had been there for a day..she was upbeat and having a great time.. Day 3 she called and said she was yellow and couldn't get out of bed and her friends were worried. She called the dr. and he told her to come home.

We got her to the hospital, she was there for 3 days..Scans showed her liver was covered in cancer lesions.. She said "I am NOT done yet". She was such a fighter. We came home with a dr. appt the next week to continue chemo. She was determined to get to that appointment. We stocked her fridge with easy, healthy foods.. She seemed more and more confused and tired over the next couple days.. She would only eat a bite or two. She was in pain.

My brother,sister and I got together and decided we should call Hospice. Her pain was getting out of control and she just didn't seem right. I stayed with her for 2 days..the first night she was up and down all night, in pain and unable to sleep. I was up with her.. just talking and watching her sleep. Hospice came the next day. We were all there to help her make the decision to enter Hospice care at home. My uncle, aunt , brother and sister all looked at eachother..not wanting to admit what this meant. There were a lot of hidden tears.. sad looks and an overwhelming sense of togetherness.

That night, after I had been up night the previous night.. my sister and I watched Juno with my mom. It was one of her favorite movies. She tapped her toes to the music, she would open her eyes and watch the movie for a few seconds and then close her eyes and just listen. We got her morphine and got her into bed. Courtney went home. I laid on the couch, thinking of the future..knowing deep in my soul what the outcome of this situation was.. I heard my mom crying in her room.. I laid with her. She was in a tremendous amount of pain. We could not get her comfortable. I called Hospice. They told me to give her a few more drops of morphine. My mom looked so helpless laying in her bed.. I just kept telling her how much I loved her. How great she was and what a great mom she was. After a half hour she was feeling worse..She wanted out of the bed. She was angry that she was in so much pain. I got her up and out to the living room. She cried the whole way out there. She was crying for her mom.. that's how much pain she was in. I was so scared I was shaking. I didn't know how to make her feel better. I rubbed her and feet..I sat on the table in front of her and just watched her fall asleep. The meds kicked in and she was able to sleep. I sat and starred at her for 3 hours, watching her breathing, looking at her beautiful face.. wondering what in the world I would do without her.praying for her Jesus to take her pain away..even if it meant taking her away from us.....

Finally the sun rose.. I called Courtney to come over..We called my moms friends, we told my borther we would keep him updated of any changes..My Aunt from Kentucky came in early. My mom thought she was going to the dr. at 10. I asked her at 7:30am if she still wanted to go..She sat up and said "Yes, are we late?". I told her no but we should get ready a little at a time so she couldrest. My sister and I tried to get her to stand up at 9. She tried so hard, but she couldn't do it. We just looked at eachother, realizing there was no way we were getting her out of her recliner...there was not going to be a dr.'s appointment...there was not going to be chemo..there was not going to be anymore anything... My brother came from work.. the house was filled, but quiet..people around my mom, reading to her...talking to her... rubbing her head, her hands.. Rick brought Tate over.. my mom woke up and have him a hug and said "hi punkin" and went back to sleep...that was the 2nd to last thing she said...My moms friends brought food.. hospice came to check on her.. they checked her vitals and said a hospital bed would be there later.. My moms breathing changed.. it was a shallow, rattly kind of sound.. I tried to get her to clear her throat.. she tried but didn't have the energy. I could feel my grandfathers presense.. I could feel the Lord's presense.. I was calm.. I was really, really calm.. I sat at my moms feet.. we all gathered around her.. We told her it was ok to go to be with the Lord and her sister and dad.. we told her about the wonderful place she was going.. and that we would miss her and we would be ok.. We cried.. She opened her eyes and looked at all of us.. She said"ok" and nodded her head.. She knew what was happenening.. she was ok with it.. i stayed at her feet for a long time.. They had come to set up the hospital bed.. something my mom didn't want but we knew she needed. Her breaths got very small.. She closed her mouth and took tiny breaths from her nose.. I called for Chris and Courtney to come over.. we all stood around her.. My grandmother touched her.. we were all touching her.. she just stopped breathing.. it was peacful.. it was surreal.. it was sad.. I felt relief.. relief that she wasnt' in pain, that she was in heaven.. The way I saw it was that Jesus, my grandpa and my aunt Lynn were there holding her hands and lifting her up... We cried.. we let go.. we started the next stage of this process called death.. immediatley I felt grief.. an undescribable feeling.. something i never knew existed.. something so strong and powerful and deblitating.. ...I miss my mom...

Cousins!!!

These girls are so great .. Our family came back from China to visit during Christmas and it was a 3 week celebration! One of my favorite parts was just watching Kalvyn and her two cousins hang out, talk, laugh, shop and goof around. We had lots of sleepovers, late nights, dinners out and FUN!

The boys had fun too playing video games, going to Jumpstreet, sleepovers and movies.Blake was absolutely facinated with Luke. Anything and everything Luke did, Blake followed suit.

I took the girls shopping and they got some out fits and wanted to do a photo shoot.. so off we went with my amatuer camera in hand..

On To The Next Treatment....

So after my post that my mom may get to stop chemo and all the good news that we got.... My mom had another PET scan and got some bad news....

Liver cancer is growing and bigger than before.. bone cancer still active and fluid in her lungs w/ cancer cells in it.. can you say BUMMER!!!

My mom is so positive though.. they have her scheduled to start a new chemo next week.. unfortunately the side effects aren't to great so we will all rally around her for whatever she needs.. My mom is so strong, granted she has her days,she is still so strong!

So.. a reminder to do your self exams!!!!

Irritation!

Honestly..do they make anything to last? We put a lot of money into new things for the house when we first moved in.. so far our dishwasher has gone out..that will be $400 to replace.. our refrigerator makes a horrible knocking noise all winter long and has since the 1st year we've had it.. that will be over $1000 to replace. We've replaced our a/c unit to the tune of $5000. Our wonderful water softner was $350 and lasted a short 2 years, new pool pump, $600.The hot tub we bought two years ago is also broken and is estimated at $500 to fix.. seriously..these are just the things that I can think of off the top of my head. I am begining to think homeownership pretty much sucks..sucks the money right out your bank account..What a waste on the enviornment too!

I would just really love to buy something that is built right and lasts! Just venting..arghhh

Sometimes Good Things Do Happen!

Whether it be luck, strength, answered prayers, modern medicine...good things sometimes happen! My mom has no cancer lesions on her liver! She still has active cancer in the bone but the liver seems to be clear..

My mom is amazingly strong as she has endured 2 years of continuous chemo. Nasty side effects, fatigue, countless dr. appointments haven't held her back. She's been on cruises, trips with friends, dinner and book groups.

We are waiting to hear if she is going to stop chemo all together for now. Fingers crossed!

Thanks mom, for the good example and being so strong and positive.

2011

2010 is gone.. Welcome 2011

I love a new year.. fresh starts.. cold weather.. and some goals..

Here are a few things I want to accomplish in 2010:

1. I would love to take a photography class.

2. More Yoga!

3. Stay away from from negative people and gossip...so NOT good for the soul!

My list is short but I am still working on a few things from last year..'

Here's to a Happy 2011..Cheers.